Time to Move ..

So .. I've moved again. I skipped away to Wordpress, and I really like it. Though, it's not the same as Blogger .. I needed the option of making specific posts private.

Because my life refuses to stay steady. As soon as my marriage was on solid ground again, something else exploded into the foreground. *sigh*

I'm counting this as a blessing, though. Because only the strong, active and faithful are tested, right?

Anyway, you can find me here.

I promise, I won't move again. And hopefully I'll be able to become more Bloggily active again. The privacy thing was really hindering my ability to share. Now I just have to get back into the habit.

So now that you all know my new address, I hope to see you there .. and I promise, I'll start visiting again, too. =-)

Still alive?

Well it's been forever since I've been back here. Maybe just a month, but it's been a busy month. I've been traveling up to Iowa every week for counseling with Kel, then traveling back to Missouri with Kel so we can spend the weekend together. Then we head back to Iowa as a family to attend church. We pack as much family time as we can into those weekends, and especially the Sunday we have together in Iowa. Then the girls and I head back, not getting home till 10 or 11 at night.

It's exhausting, but it's time well spent. The girls and I love having Kelly around. I know it's hard to believe that in so little time he could make so many good changes. But he has .. and I'm so proud of him. He's not only let down the wall around his heart and let Christ back in, but he's pinpointed the reason things were so bad before and he's dedicated to fixing it. Counseling has been intense, especially for him. He has dived head first into it, giving it absolutely everything he has, refusing to half-ass anything.

He's listened to me, comforted me, wiped away my tears and promised to do his very best to never make me hurt like that again. We're both still working on our tempers, but let's be honest .. that will continue to be a life-long journey for us both. I'm reading Love and Respect and working on my attack dog instincts, and letting Christ strip away my bitterness.

So yeah .. I've had plenty to keep me busy. But I miss my blog. Maybe I'll find the time to get back here more often. We'll see what life brings.

Sometimes dawn brings more than the sun

Two months ago, if you had told me I'd be able to sit here and write this post, I would have laughed at you.

And then gone home and cried .. because I wanted this, but never believed it would happen.

I doubted the One I was putting all my faith in, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.

My mind had been set. Everything seemed to be pointing in the direction of divorce.

And despite it all, I kept praying, "Your will, Father .. I want to do what You want me to do. I know that You are always with me. I know if I make the wrong decision, You'll forgive me. But I don't want forgiveness, I want to do what You want the first time Father. Guide my steps, and help my heart to follow where You lead."

But in my head? It was over.

And in my husband's head? It was over. But it was killing him. His anger was fueling him. His pride, his stubbornness .. they all had a strong hold on him.

Through it all, he kept praying, "Show me where to go, Jesus. I want to know where You want me to go. Do I leave her? Do I go on and live as a single man? Or do I fight? Is it worth fighting for? Will she even come back? Show me, Jesus."

Every exchange my husband and I had left me frustrated, sad, angry and so disappointed. He wasn't trying, and I was just trying to be civil so he wouldn't do something to hurt me more.

Then one night I was reading about divorce and the Bible .. and this line struck me: "It is the wife's duty to reaffirm her love and devotion to her husband, even through a time of separation."

God tapped me on the head and whispered "Even when you don't feel it, you say it. I'll do the rest."

So I wrote a short email. It went like this:

I still love you.

I don't want to be with you, but I don't want to divorce you either.

I don't know where God is taking us, so I'm waiting on Him.

I'm praying for you.

The response I got from him was angry and mean. But it churned in his heart. He talked to a friend who told him that I'd been talking to his wife, and that I'd said basically the same thing to her .. only I'd said it weeks ago. Kelly went home and sent me another email.

I called him, and we fought. I cried myself to sleep. He stayed up to write a few more angry emails. Then he went to sleep.

And when he woke up, he wasn't the same man. Something had changed, drastically.

God had swooped in and taken a hammer to that hard shell around his heart. And now Kelly knew, without a single doubt, what he had to do. He called me, and told me he was sorry. That he wanted to make it better .. he wanted to change. That he was talking to his pastor, and that he wanted me to come up and talk to him too. That this pastor had agreed to counsel us.

I was thrown into a tailspin. I didn't believe him, I didn't trust him. And I had no reason to yet.

On Thursday the 21st he came down to take me out for our 4th Anniversary. We talked .. actually talked, without fighting. This hasn't happened in a very long time. We talked about hard topics .. painful memories. He left, and I still wasn't quite sure.

That Saturday I drove to Iowa for a wedding. In the morning, Kelly and I watched Fireproof together. I kept glancing over at him only to see him shaking his head .. it was almost too familiar. The way he treated his wife in the movie .. Kel asked me at one point, "Do you think they've been following me around, taking notes?"

After the movie, we got ready and headed for the wedding. It was simply beautiful. The message was appropriate and touching. We left after it was over we headed back into town to eat. We had a good hours drive, and we talked the whole way back. Really talked .. about hard stuff, too. He brought up things he had done that hurt me, and he apologized.

I was realizing that he wasn't just trying to trick me .. that he wasn't playing with me .. he was serious. This was real. And I was still spinning.

Later that night, he asked if I'd like to go somewhere and just sit. We went to the river, and he told me about the night God changed his heart. He apologized again for how he'd been acting. He told me that he realized it was not only his fault, but his choice. And he promised to do everything in his power to never again make the choice that hurt me again.

I asked him to come back to Missouri with me, just to spend the weekend.

Now the weekend is over, and he's still here.

There is still a lot of work to do. We still need a place to live, and we aren't sure where God is moving us. We still need to go to counseling and learn how to better love, appreciate, and care for each other.

But the disaster has been avoided. We've been pulled away from the edge and back into the arms we belong in. And I'm still soaking up the warmth radiating off of this miracle.

And praising the One who made it all happen.

Because God is good, all the time.

This is my story

This is my song

Praising my Savior

All the day long

Love

Let's balance out some of that negative:

I love listening to my three year old teach my two year old the alphabet.

I love watching them "read" books to one another.

I love watching amazing movies with my siblings.

I love being able to talk to my parents every day.

I love seeing my girls interact with my family, and seeing them grow and change for the better because of it.

I love feeling safe and secure, even when I'm unsure of what my future holds.

I love having friends that keep me company and keep my mind off the fact that my children are not with me.

I love having people that are willing to help me without rolling their eyes and huffing at me.

I love that I wake up in the morning and don't dread the day.

I love that I have people to worship with on Sunday's.

I love listening to my girls sing Sunday school songs in the middle of the week.

I love turning the music up in the afternoons and dancing with my girls.

I love sleeping next to my beautiful, strong, resilient daughter.

I love not having to cook. And let's be honest: this is a good thing for everyone involved =-D

I love being able to take a shower whenever I need one.

I love that the feeling of isolation is gone.

I love that I can see my girls relaxing and becoming comfortable and happy.

I love that I can see positives in the midst of all this negative.

Anger

I miss this .. sitting down to write on this blog of mine.

I miss having a funny story to share, or just a random update.

I miss having a normal day to day .. even if that normal was a cover for what was really happening.

I'm angry that my life has been turned upside down.

That people I love have had to rearrange their lives to make room for me and my girls.

I'm angry that this cannot be dealt with in an adult manner, because the person I'm trying to deal with is so very childish, indecisive and mean.

I'm angry that I am not able to be the mommy I want to be.

I feel abandoned and forgotten by the person who meant the most to me.

I'm angry that what he does can still ruin my day.

I'm angry that I'm having to constantly censor myself so that a certain Man Child doesn't use my words against me later.

I'm worried about the future of my girls, and how all of this will play out for them.

I'm angry that no matter what happens, they are still going to be hurt, and I am still going to be the only one fighting for what's right.

But I'm okay. Because I realized this morning that I am angry because I'm trying to control this. I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to think of everything.

I haven't given it over to His hands. My Father has big, capable hands, ready to take my problems and hold them until they are solved. And here I am, bent over from the weight of them, trying desperately to hold them up, and keep a smile on my face.

So I'm trying to give them up. To let them go. I know it'll be touch and go. I know I'll take them back. I've already taken them back two or three times since giving it all to Him this morning.

Right now I'm lacking physical arms to hold me up. So I'm crawling into His and asking Him to take it all. Because all of this is enough to make this woman go crazy. And as fun as going crazy might be, my girls need me to be sane right now.

I'm making myself bring it to Him. Lay it on Him. Give it all away. It doesn't come naturally, so I'm forcing it a little. And I'm praying that it becomes second nature. And I'm praising Him for never putting a weight limit on what I can dump onto Him.